Bad Boss Survival Kit

There are two truths about employees that everyone in a leadership or management role should know. When you know these two truths, which get to the heart of what makes people tick, talking with employees becomes easier—and more effective:

1. People want to work for a company they believe cares about them as individuals. If they do, they will work hard; if not, they’ll be on LinkedIn, scanning job boards or goofing off.
2. Employees need to believe that the work they’re doing matters—that their individual contributions are helping the company achieve its goals.

If your boss gets these two elements of their messages right, you’ll stay engaged and productive. However, there are signs of a bad boss that you should not ignore.

Your boss should never:

• habitually cancel or reschedule your 1:1s
• text or email in meetings
• resort to crude or foul language
• pass the buck

We’re all human. It’s okay to slip up once in a while. But if your boss resorts to a devil-may-care attitude about how they act toward others, you need a plan. Dealing with a bad boss can be frustrating, these steps will help you navigate the situation and take charge of your career.

Step 1…Be CEO of you.

Your boss is bad, not you. Build your personal reputation apart from the company you serve. Perception creates reality, and if you take ownership of managing your reputation, you will never find yourself in a position where you can’t separate yourself from the company (or your boss)…if you ever need to.

Plus, when you embrace your personal reputation, you can better manage others’ perceptions of you.

Once you have a clear understanding of who you are and how you want others to perceive you, you can manage your reputation and are more likely to create “brand ambassadors,” who will multiply your selling platform (whether you’re actually selling a product or staying relevant in your industry).

Talk clearly about who you are, what you stand for, and where you’re hoping to make an impact in the world. If it’s catchy and if it’s pithy, others will hear it, it will resonate with them, and they will talk positively about you in their circles, thus multiplying your selling platform, enhancing your reputation, and growing your popularity.

Your personal brand has to be defined separately from your company because if the company lets you go for some reason, you have to be able to stand on the core element of who you are, not who you became when you went to work for the company.

Build proof of your reputation and success!

Keep a record of your contributions and make them measurable. You’ll end up with what we call “proof points” or bottom-line “what’s in it for me” statements that back up your success and who you are as a professional. Use the examples below as a guide in building your own statements.

Before/after scenario:

• A Fortune 100 executive increased his approval rating from 78% to 94% in just FOUR months.

Return on investment:

• A business owner secured $10,000 in at-risk commission following a 60-minute consultation.
• 73.5% of clients reported saving on average $1,000 in tax penalties.

Examples of how others have benefited:

• A high-performing CEO learned to break his dependence on filler words (“ums” and “ahs”), move with purpose and increase employee productivity.

Writing tips:

• Think about the impact you’ve had on costs, compliance, profit or something else.
• Include words like increased, saved, cut, improved, freed up, shrank or maximized.
• Demonstrate a specific timeframe and add metrics whenever possible to demonstrate results.

Step 2…Understand why your boss behaves badly.

Remember that there are two sides to every story. Somebody else’s bad day, lack of sleep or personality defects can have a lot to do with their opinion of you. And that, my friends, is something you have absolutely no control over. But there’s always your side of the story . . . and you get to write the ending.

Dealing with a bad boss who’s prone to gossip, crude language or verbal mudslinging.

In most of these cases, it may not be their fault. It’s just that they haven’t had the benefit of communication coaching.

Unfortunately, when the opportunity comes along to get help, few take advantage of it.

Here’s why: By our teens, we feel we’ve mastered the English language and, consequently, the art of communication. That’s why it’s difficult later in life for professionals to raise their hand and say, “I need help communicating.”

The truth is, the majority of bosses make simple mistakes about word choice, tone and voice in almost every written interaction. So, even if you manage to avoid the worst communication mistakes, you’re still denying yourself the full potential of a tool that’s essential for positive outcomes.

10 percent of people – determine if they’re a hater or if they can be influenced.

6 things no one ever tells you about bosses.

Believe me, I’ve been yelled at by my fair share of bosses. My job has been threatened. I’ve been accused of mistakes I didn’t make and received zero credit for the work I delivered. But, for the most part, bosses are just like everybody else—they put their pants (or skirts) on one leg at a time.

Still, there are some characteristics unique to bosses. Here are six things you need to know to make communicating with, understanding or convincing them a lot easier.

• They mean well; they’re just too removed from the day-to-day. The majority of bosses don’t want to eliminate positions, raise prices or cut off suppliers. They’re just doing what’s best for business. But because they’re focused on the big picture, it can be hard for them to see how their decisions impact individuals.

• They want to hear about what isn’t working. Unfortunately, they’re often surrounded by ego-strokers who’ll agree with anything they say or do. Most bosses crave honest feedback from individuals willing to say things such as “Here’s what’s at risk if we don’t change our strategy.”

• They sometimes let fear drive their decisions. When it comes to communicating bad news, bosses struggle to be fully transparent. The possibility of audience backlash often usurps their willingness to keep stakeholders in the know.

• They don’t mix well with the masses. But it’s not their fault. It’s lonely at the top. So, like most people in leadership positions, bosses feel more comfortable when they’re in the company of those who best understand their situation—namely, other bosses.

Step 3… You can’t change your boss, but you can influence them to be less awful

Instilling change. Communication and change are positively correlated. When you receive the right messages, the more likely you are to change. Likewise, the better you are at communicating with others, the more likely they are to change.

Following these techniques can help you learn how to deal with a bad boss:

• Keep it positive. Change is an uphill battle, so take a cue from “The Little Engine That Could.” Phrases such as “Piece of cake” and “You got this” will go a long way in helping others see that change is possible.
• Chunk it down. The smaller the change, the easier it is. When dealing with long-term changes, break them down into shorter, doable increments. For example, say, “Let’s build a 7-day plan, see how much we’re able to accomplish and then revisit it next week.”
• Praise the effort. It takes time to truly change. The more encouraging you are, the better. Messages like “I see how hard you’re working,” “You’re getting stronger every day” and “Thank you for making such a conscious effort” will up the ante and bring results sooner.
• Offer public praise. There is no better change motivator than recognition, and the most effective kind of recognition is a third-party compliment. For example, letting your son overhear you telling a friend how impressed you are by his change efforts is a much more effective form of recognition than telling him directly.
• Focus on benefits. People resist change because they fear the unknown or believe they will lose something of value. Clearly telling them how much better off they’ll be when the change occurs is the best line of defense against resistance.

You can’t force your boss to change. But if they’re open to it, they’ll respond better to a positive communication style that makes change easier, quicker and more sustainable.

Step 4…Get your communication house in order

Back to those signs of a bad boss. Dealing with any of these situations can make it difficult to collect your thoughts, let alone communicate them:

• Screamed at
• Threatened
• Nearly fired
• Downsized
• Ignored
• Harassed
• Overlooked
• Taken advantage of
• Taken for granted
• Underutilized
• Take credit for work
• Cancel meetings
• Make demands and then not use work

It’s tough to communicate effectively when emotions are running high. And knowing how to deliver bad news—without making things worse—is especially difficult for most people. Whether it’s a conflict with clients or a conflict in the workplace, you need to use language that helps you control a conversation and make positive impressions.

Sounds simple, right? Not exactly.

That’s why you need to develop messaging for the average business crisis long before it occurs.

Think of it as creating a message archive—pre-written language that addresses the most pertinent business issues you’re likely to face so that you can lessen the odds of putting your reputation at risk.

Here are a few tips to help you craft messages that can be used to manage conflicts:

• Determine what your core values are. These values are what you want others to believe about you. They serve as a foundation to draw from for every message you write. You can’t create a consistent, relatable voice without them.

• Craft messages that can be used to address future conflicts. In all cases, describe what is true for you and cast everyone else involved in as favorable and considerate a light as possible. The more objective your message, the greater your chance of successfully dealing with the situation.

• Practice delivering messages when times are good. Don’t wait until you’re in a pinch to try out your messages. Rehearse them on a regular basis, and they will naturally roll off your tongue when—not if—you need them.

Sounds daunting? Chunk it down. Make a list of negative and positive business issues. Then, starting with the top three, find the words that best express your goals and values in those scenarios. Stick with this process until you’ve tackled every item on your list. This will ensure that you’re never at a loss for the right words.

Pay attention to the words effective leaders use to achieve their goals. Learn from their example, but strive for authenticity. People quickly tire of parrots repeating buzz words.

How to address major communication culprits:

• Set clear expectations with your boss before you begin a project and regularly reinforce that message as part of the action plan.
• Communicate bad news in person—not via email.
• Speak favorably (or at least neutrally) about yourself and others.
• Practice the art of diplomacy when times are good, so the right words roll off your tongue in high-pressure situations.

Letting leaders fail

You need to stand your ground in order to be taken seriously for any type of advancement. If your boss disagrees with one of your ideas, rather than fight them tooth and nail, try my three-step process for allowing leaders to fail.

1. Explain what’s at risk. Never let someone go down the wrong path without a warning. Try saying something like “Here’s what’s at risk if you do that” and remind them of the trouble they’re likely to encounter if they persist.
2. Let go. Make it clear that you don’t agree with the decision being made and then get out of the way. It’s easier to convince them to revisit your plan once they’ve felt the sting of their wrong choices.
3. Give up the grudge. Gloating and “I told you so” have no place in a professional arena—but helping a leader find a positive way forward does.

If your boss wants to make a wrong move—and you can’t talk them out of it—let them stumble. Just have a backup plan ready to help them recover.

Hurtful words

For starters, know what to say to neutralize even the most trying situations. For example:

• Your boss uses a racial slur in your presence. Take a stand by saying, “My preference is for us to speak favorably about everyone.”
• Your boss calls you a worthless slacker. Never laugh that off. Say, “Please tell me more.  In what way am I not meeting expectations?”
• Your boss starts screaming about a vendor. Temper their outburst with a comment such as “Help me understand how I can help you deal with this issue.”

And anytime they detract from their behavior by saying, “I was just kidding,” don’t let them off the hook.

Here’s what I mean:

Let’s say your boss calls you “blondie,” and you don’t like it.

Offer a neutralizing yet actionable statement like, “My preference is for you to address me by my first name.”

If they reply by saying, “Oh gosh, I was just kidding,” simply hold your ground by saying, “That may be so. My preference is still for you to call me Melissa.”

Why is the high road harder? 

When confronted by negativity and criticism, it’s easier to stay low, to sling mud. But that doesn’t make it a good choice.

Always take the high road and stay focused on the things that matter:

• Default to understanding.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Treat others better than you treat yourself.
• Remember that offense cannot be given; it can only be taken.
• Practice forgiveness.

Working honorably with a mean-spirited person isn’t easy, but it will be worth the effort.

Here’s how to say it right

Strive for clarity and to use a positive tone.

• Giving an update. Don’t say, “I just wanted to update you.” Do say, “We are making great progress with the XYZ account.”
• Bridging a communication gap. Don’t say, “I haven’t heard from you in awhile.” Do say, “I trust all is well since we last connected.”

Stop saying you’re sorry

It’s hard to know how to communicate effectively and demonstrate business diplomacy when you’re in the middle of a conflict with clients.

Let’s suppose you’ve dropped the ball, which means they’re not happy and the chances of ongoing business success for your relationship are slim. Unfortunately, some of the most commonplace words and phrases you might want to use in these sticky situations can actually put your reputation at risk.

In particular, when it comes to business communication, no phrase is more problematic than “I’m sorry.”

I believe “I’m sorry” warrants negative connotations because our parents forced us as kids to say we were sorry even when we weren’t. Were we sorry for what happened—or that we got caught?

And thanks to errant politicians, CEOs and celebrities resorting to scripted mea culpas, we’ve become hyper-cynical about what an authentic apology even sounds like. So, even when you’re in the wrong, saying “I’m sorry” can hurt you: It makes you—and the person hearing it—feel bad.

A better choice is to craft an effective response that reestablishes your credibility.

For example: You’ve missed a deadline. Instead of “I’m sorry,” you could say, “I intended to have your project finished by Friday. It didn’t happen. Here’s what I’m going to do differently to make sure I meet your expectations.”

If this approach fails, ask for mercy. The idea of granting mercy inspires people because it empowers them to act in a positive way. After all, it’s hard to withhold mercy when it’s asked for.

Before you act . . . 

Don’t blurt “I’m sorry” until you’ve had a chance to objectively assess the damages resulting from any mistake you’ve made. Use that information to focus on solutions that help you move forward. And frame your response around how the client will benefit from what you’ve learned.

Inappropriate and unwelcome remarks

“Do you like to party?”

Seems like a harmless question, right?

Well, that depends on the context. When it’s directed at a young woman having dinner with her new boss, it’s less innocuous. In fact, it’s downright inappropriate. Still, it’s something that happens all the time in business.

So what do you do when an unsuitable question or comment is directed at you? To find out, read this week’s edition of Spill the Truth.

That’s inappropriate! 

At least twice a month, I speak publicly about how to deliver bad news, and audience members often come prepared with scenarios they’d like me to respond to.

At one such event, a young woman (we’ll call her Susie) surfaced an issue she had experienced. On her first meeting with a new boss at a hotel during a business trip, he asked, “So, do you like to party?”

Susie was absolutely floored and didn’t know how to respond, but eventually stuttered out, “I mean, I enjoy an occasional glass of wine, but I wouldn’t say I like to party.”

Her response is much too common when managing conflict. Because we want to make positive impressions, we steer clear of rocking the boat and, unfortunately, get dragged down into a rabbit hole of awkwardness.

You see, Susie didn’t want to answer that question—but she felt like she had no choice.

Whenever it seems like your personal brand is at stake, you’ll do almost anything to keep it intact. Susie didn’t want to come across as a prude or a spoilsport, but she didn’t want to open herself up to innuendo either.

So, she took the safe route: teetering somewhere between party animal and church girl.

But she didn’t have to do any of that. She could have said, “I haven’t given that much thought. What I have given thought to is our agenda for tonight’s meeting.”

With this kind of redirect, you can control a conversation and boost approval ratings.

Here are some other communication techniques that can put a halt to inappropriate behavior:

• Stick to business topics. Demonstrate through your demeanor and word choice what is and is not appropriate for conversation. If you catch yourself straying, simply course correct with a phrase like, “Let’s get back to the agenda.”
• Stand your ground. If your assailant persists, ask them to stop. A simple statement such as “Be appropriate” usually suffices. But when in doubt be more direct.
• Don’t overreact. Unless you feel threatened, keep your emotions in check. People often test the waters to see how far you’ll let them take a certain topic. Once you establish clear boundaries, they’re likely to adhere to them.
• Never drink to excess—especially at business or professional functions. It’s harder to gauge your internal filter. When you say too much, it automatically invites others to do the same.
• Get help when necessary. Something about HR or an attorney?? Objective point of view. But be careful not to talk to more than one or two confidants (otherwise gossiping).

Before you act . . . 

Be smart and stick to your principles. . . . Do your best to avoid offending individuals . . . Practice strength in numbers: bring a colleague along . . . If your boss pushes the boundaries on appropriate work-related behavior, only meet with him/her in onsite work locations.

So, how do you become more confident? Start by following these proven strategies:

• Speak favorably about yourself. Phrases such as “Piece of cake” and “I got this” are instant confidence makers. It’s simple—be your biggest fan.
• Take risks. I say, “Plug your nose and jump.” By forcing yourself to face your fears you greatly increase your chances of succeeding. And success begets confidence.
• Practice makes perfect. You can’t learn to speak a foreign language, dance or play hockey well unless you practice. It’s the same with confidence. You need to practice feeling, appearing and being confident when times are good, so that you’ll actually feel, appear and be confident when times are tough.
• Fake it until you make it. Even when you doubt your capabilities, never let your body language give you away. Stand tall, hands at your sides, make direct eye contact and smile. When others believe you can do it, so will you.

How to say no without sounding like a jerk

Supporting my clients often involves helping them say no to people making unrealistic demands. My role is to coach them on good ways to decline requests without putting their reputations at risk.

Here are some communication techniques I recommend:

• Stop saying yes. Because we want to make positive impressions, we say yes before thinking through what we’re committing to. Better to say, “Let me give that some thought.”
• Know your priorities. When a client’s request puts you in an uncomfortable situation, try a response such as “One of the ways that we have been able to best support our customers is by remaining true to our mission. We would be going outside of our core focus if we took on this project. However, I’m happy to help you source this work out to one of our trusted service partners.”
• Craft the right phrase. Be clear that you’re not going to fulfill the request but be considerate of everyone involved.
• Avoid email. The harder you believe the news will be for the recipient to hear, the closer you should be to him or her when you deliver it. The best option: speak to them in person.
• Act quickly. Nobody wants to be told no. Making them wait to hear it only makes it worse.

It’s OK to set boundaries on your time and energy. But don’t give people the perception that “No” is your default response to requests.

We often find ourselves trying to fight when the chances of us winning—of changing a person’s mind or inspiring a positive outlook—are slim to none. Still, there are steps we can take to protect ourselves in abusive situations.

• Never give anyone permission to mistreat you. Don’t allow yourself to be victimized in the name of niceness and certainly not in the name of perception. Walk away, get off the call or end the email chain as quickly as possible. By disengaging from an out-of-control situation, you demonstrate professionalism and self-respect.
• Always stay focused on the positive. Refuse to engage in mean-spirited hate talk. Save your energy for the things in your life and business that deserve attention.
• Shake off those guilt feelings. You can’t solve someone else’s problems. It’s their choice whether they want to get help for their issues or continue mistreating others. Just be sure that you don’t hold yourself accountable for their dysfunctional behavior.

Before you act …

The best defense is a good offense, right? Start by crafting some phrases that can help you exit bad conversations gracefully. For example, “I prefer to think positively about this issue” or “I’d be happy to talk about this when you’re in a mood to listen.”

Have you found yourself in a similar situation where you thought enough is enough? Share a comment below.

But whether you’re a CEO, individual contributor or recent college grad, take heart. You can positively influence perceptions, maintain control of any conversation, and keep your emotions in check, if you follow these simple steps:

• Take the bite out of their bark. If someone discredits or condemns you, mentally flip their slight into an accolade. In other words, take what was said and translate it into a decisively positive thought. So, if they say you’re a loser, tell yourself you just won an Olympic gold medal.
• Offer a disarming comeback. Have a handful of “magical phrases” in your hip pocket, ready to go. Savvy professionals use this image-saving tactic to exude confidence under pressure. When the accusations fly, simply reply, “I wouldn’t say that,” “Here’s what I can tell you” or “Not exactly—let me explain.”
• Don’t stoop to their level. Responding to slurs with more slurs can only result in an ugly confrontation. Instead say, “Thanks for sharing your insights with me” … and walk away.

The worst advice I have ever received

When I was 18, I worked as a trainer for a small-town telemarketing company where two leaders blessed me with the rudest, most poorly delivered advice I’ve ever received.

It happened with the first leader the moment we met. After shaking my hand, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Your hand feels like a slimly, dead fish.”

The second leader accosted me for complaining about being heckled by a colleague in front of a room full of trainees. Rather than vindicate me, she said, “It sounds like you’re a baby who doesn’t know how to take charge.”

While painful to hear, both pieces of advice changed my life for the better: I immediately firmed up my handshake and mastered conflict negotiations.

Pushy, overbearing and aggressive! 

In 1999, not long after starting my first corporate job, I had the pleasure of enduring a performance review. My manager (we’ll call him Tim) had already accepted a new position within the company but was pulled back temporarily to co-facilitate my review with his replacement.

I don’t remember the overall rating Tim gave me, nor the whopping salary increase I’m sure I didn’t receive, but I’ll never forget what he said.

Near the end of the tag-team critique, he summed up my abilities and contributions this way: “Melissa, you’re pushy, overbearing and abrasive.”

Because these were words that had never before been used to describe me, I was shocked. However, I did my best to maintain my composure—and then turned the tables.

Here’s what I said: “Can you give me an example of a time when you’ve seen me being pushy, overbearing or abrasive? I just want to make sure I understand how these characteristics are affecting my performance.”

“No,” he replied, “it’s just a general observation.”

Call it intuition (or youthful stubbornness), but I decided right then that his inability to provide a concrete example meant he just didn’t like me. He wasn’t trying to help—he was being mean.

So I told him, “Let me know if you see this behavior in the future. That way I’ll be able to assess my actions and make job-related improvements.” And that concluded my review.

Since then, I have encountered numerous scenarios where employees have been subjected to unsubstantiated generalizations and other power-trip antics.

Here are a few conflict management strategies you can use:

• Always being interrupted? If your boss or a colleague is a big talker who never lets you get a word in edgewise, be diplomatic but hold your ground. Say, “Please make your point when I’ve finished mine.”
• Got a parrot on your shoulder? Some people have trouble articulating their point of view, so they’ll try to repeat yours instead. When a copycat comment echoes in your ears, rather than say, “I just said that,” try this: “Thanks for affirming my position.”
• Not getting the credit you deserve? Particularly with a conflict in the workplace, keep emotions out of it. Stick to the facts. Say, “Perhaps you’re unaware of my role in . . . “

Before you act . . . 

Don’t be a doormat. For starters, practice using positive thinking as an antidote to poisonous office politics. And learn how to stand up to bad guys without stooping to their level. They won’t like it—but they’ll probably respect your gumption.

The next time you feel the need to vent about something, here are some fail-proof communication strategies that will help you do it right:

• Decompress: Take a moment to cool down before you say, tweet, or post something you’ll regret later.
• Speak the truth in love. There’s no place for name-calling—ever. Even if you think a person’s actions are misguided, there’s always a way to voice your opinion without resorting to a derogatory term such as “idiot.”
• Avoid emotionally charged words: Words and phrases such as “hate,” “demand,” and “axe to grind” only ignite more controversy. If you have nothing nice to say, at least be neutral.
• Take your opponent’s side into account. It’s much harder for your opponent to argue when you’ve already stated their objection. So look for any good or well-meaning intentions and weave them into your comments.

Dealing with a bad boss and other workplace situations can be tough, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. Join The Boardroom for online professional coaching or work 1:1 with Melissa for executive leadership coaching!